Shaun of the Dead (2004)

•  doesn't seem like it's going to be a zombie movie  +100
• CGI soccer ball  -50
• Requiem for a Dream visual referencing  +50
• more likely from  Evil Dead   +50
• "fuck-a-doodle-doo"  +20
• English accents  +50
• Shaun spares some change  +40
• excellent headlines on convenience store newspapers  +100
• everyone's a brain-dead zombie even if they're not really zombies  +200
• a la  Invader Zim  +100
•  excellent exploitation of scare fake-outs  +50
• Pathetic Fallacy after getting dumped  +50
• having to start the Zompocalypse drunk  +25
• "Go live in the shed" foreshadowing  +60
• the whole first half hour is foreshadowing  +30 
• puts popular carbonated beverage back  +500
• general excellent avoidance of Product Placement +500
• but then he takes a Diet popular carbonated beverage anyway! I HATE PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!  -500
• except for you, Wayne's World - we're still cool  +10 
•  clever news cut montage +100
• not an entirely original concept -10
• neither is zombies, but it's okay, i like zombie movies  +20
• throwing rocks at zombies  +10
• see-through abdominal cavity a la Death Becomes Her  +20
• "Fuck the man!"  +100
• The Zed Word  +200
• i appreciate the irony of this Product Placement +10 
• they drive on the other side  +10
• possible first use of cricket bat against zombie (a la casey jones?)  +100
• and field hockey stick +50
• and umbrella! +50
• Captain Wow  +10
• zombie twins  +22
• x2  +44
• too many television station Product Placements!  -500
• Queen  +100
• i love my mum  +100
• "fuck-a-doodle-doo" x2  +40
• fuck the military -500
• Zombies from Hell, Z-Day, Zombaid, the Service Industry  +200
• 28 Days Later Product Placement  +28
• Queen x2 +200

  TOTAL
          +1789

THEREFORE

• this film goes one step past the parody and stands on it's own, more-or-less, as a very decent zombie flickeroonski.  if Romero can back it, i can back it too.  what frustrates me most are the two bygone conclusions that plagues 28 Days Later (and many others) as well: that a) recognizable consumer goods are our survival and b) the military is our salvation.  These conclusions bother me very much.  Functionally, I appreciate a need for funding that will drive a filmmaker into the hands of Product Placement, and The Military is an easy out at the end of a film, but it still provides for two justifications that I will not back: consumerism and military presence.  yes, Products would exist shortly after the Zompocalypse, and yes, the various Militaries would make attempts to exploit the situation, but here a commentary is lacking.  touched upon in 28 Days Later, downright explored in the original DotD, but glossed over for the most part in SotD.  sorry, Shaun, you could have had a higher rating.   

FURTHERMORE 

after the film ended, at about 3 in the AM, my neighbour came home and really shambled up the front stoop, and I didn't really hear the front door open or close.  The "What If?" response followed, so I grabbed my trusty Zombie Stick and stayed still and quiet a few extra minutes before heading off to bed.  This is what I love most about zombie films, their ability to present the entire population of the planet as a threat to itself, which, in the end, it truly is. 

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[REC]  (2007)

• not "Quarantine"  +1000
• Spanish is ostensibly cooler than English  +100
• but "ostensibly" is a pretty cool word  +5
• "While You're Asleep" is a brilliant title  +100
• impressively long cuts  +50
• excellent lack of soundtrack  +100
• first bite at 14 minutes  +140
• it's a deep bite  +40
• angela wields her "Freedom of the Press" like a roaring chainsaw  +50
• holy shit!  Alex from above!  +40
• likely ode-to-Braindead facial injection  +60
• Angela's contagion-figuring ability  +40
• bite fest through the window!  +50
• holy shit! zombie jennifer!  +40
• holy shit! missing corpses!  +40
• el mazo  +100
• "They were eating her alive, Manu.  What the hell is this?"  +100
• raises that fundamental question, which should you be more afraid of: zombies or your government? +500
•  vital info = fatal wound  +40
• and then there were three  +33
• el mazo!  +200
• this is the movie that started me keeping a zombie stick by the door  +500
• it's metal, and it's heavy  +100
• the terror is palpable  +200
• the attic?  are you serious??  +300
• camera as functional tool for palpably scary attic check  +200
• surprising meld of demonology and zombology  +500

TOTAL:

•         +4628

THEREFORE:

•         deny the "quarantine"s and the "ring"s of the film universe.  deny "the eye", "the orphanage",  deny "body snatchers", "the crazies", "the birds", "day of the dead", "dawn of the dead", "carrie".    deny "breathless" and "vanilla sky" and "holmes" and "charlie and the chocolate factory", "death race", "flubber" and "friday the 13th".  "a nightmare on elm street".   "godzilla".  "night of the living dead 3D".  planet of the apes the postman always rings twice psycho shaft shutter the grudge sweeney todd war of the worlds the wolfman.  deny remakes, Y2K upgrades, and northamericanizations that simplify and anglicize perfectly good movies.  technicolour is amazing. three dimensions is really fantastic.  people who talk like you and look like you and wear your clothes and drive your cars is really super.  but if only you'll sacrifice the effort it takes to read and watch at the same time, there is a real glut of movies out there that are really much better than any ol' remake.

      

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Braindead (1992) 
(aka Dead Alive)

• stick baseball on the beach  +20
• zingaya!  +10
• another in-depth study of the folly and peril of scientific exploration  +100
• jacky's wacky cinematics  +50
• buck-toothed father  +10
• sumatran stop-motion  +50
• rich and creamy pudding  +100
• decapitation-cam  +60
• rare glimpse into veterinary corruption  +30
• unnecessary nose injection  +20
• unnecessary nose injection x2  +40
• unnecessary nose injection x3  +60
• unnecessary nose injection x4  +80
• divine intervention  +40
• the original Zombie Baby  +100
• baby's first park  +30
• flat rake in a vice  +40
• Super Zombies reminiscent  of Super Shredder in Secret of the Ooze  +100
• ribcage-ectomy, face-ectomy, heart-ectomy  +100
• sentient pile of viscera  +200
• i want a zombie lampshade  +60
• subtle complexities of wide range of gorrific events impeccably thought out (i.e. man through a laundry press)  +500
• superb descent into special FX  +100
• blender finally gets some action  +60
• 5 full passes with the lawn mower  +50
• inexplicable materno-monstrosity  +70
• explicably gigantic nipples  +70
• mother issues finally resolved through rebirth  +200
• romantic resolutions are okay when they're ordained by the cards and you're both covered in the blood of a thousand living dead  +100 

 
                TOTAL

•  +2450

                THEREFORE

• put down your frodo figurines and go find this movie, and then watch Meet the Feebles, and then Bad Taste.  go! right this very moment!!

 

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