i enjoy movies. more importantly, i enjoy zombie movies and have taken to watch as many as i can find in my spare time. as such, i have a vast and varied set of opinions and biases on this diverse genre.
tired of the old rating systems (whether percentages, out-of-tens, thumbs, stars, or tomatoes), i began creating an extremely complex system of points and stringently assigning them to the zombie movies my partner and i were watching. we both made a habit of it, refined our system, and began writing down our reults. so, presented in a public forum for the very first time, i give you the beginnings of our findings, with many more to come.
here is the first of the collection of the zombie points board, in the order in which they appear in my notebook.
and p.s. this site may contain spoilers.
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
- attempted fake-out scare (the legs at the back of the ambulance are still attached..phew!) -5
- Slo-Mo sequence -5
- helicopter at beginning resembles 1978 helicopter -- possible obscure reference +19.78
- high-calibre rounding-up skillz +0.22
- Johhny Cash opening sequence +44
- if US mall security folk have guns because that's really scary (and not much else in the movie is) +10
- Tom Savini and his Moustache on the news +5
- because it's the same moustache he wore in the original DotD (and Land of the Dead!) +5
- more Slo-Mo! -10
- zombies trying too hard to be 28 Days Later zombies (in that running/twitching sort of way) -28
- Andy on the Rooftop from Afar +10
- Stealing the "Rooftop from Afar" bit from Tremors -20
- blatant product placement (starts with B ends in I HATE PRODUCT PLACEMENT) -1000
- scientist on television NOT wearing eyepatch -10
- lame re-hash of "When there's no more room in Hell" speech -50
- use of the word "faggot| (even if by ignoramous) -500
- not killing guy with hand bite RIGHT AWAY (by now we (and by 'we' i mean people in movies) ought to make responsible and pre-emptive decisions about known zombies in situ) -20
- pathetic attempt at upping cool points with a cover of a Disturbed song -40
- Ving Rhames. +60
- fake-out scare in underground lot (first just a dog, but then the Horde! (and not those lovable Orcish fellows))
- MORE Slo-Mo -20
- Zombie Baby (surely an ode to Trainspotting) +500
- Slo-Mo Redemption during the gunfight over half-a-thousand-point Baby +10
- bizarre "Rockin' Bus Mod!" montage -50
- awkward romantic mini-game between Ana and Michael (must there always be a romantic side quest? must Love always try to conquer all?) -20
- at least Michael dies in the end, alone and lonely and in Love +10
- that over-played scene in movies after an EXTREMELY INTENSE! scene that has our heroes waiting patiently in an elevator with "that corny elevator music" -20
- Heroes kill own player with Chainsaw in the '"Rockin' Bus Mod!" +100
- "Everybody Dies" finale (admittedly a personal favourite) +200
TOTAL
- - 438
- boycott Remakes and go see the original (we still Love you, Ving).
- to megavideo.com for letting us watch exactly 72 minutes before cutting out and making us wait exactly 52 minutes to watch the remaining 29 minutes -7200
- to us for finishing it through various nefarious sources (ten thousand thank yous, annenhii) +10,000
Day of the Dead (1985)
- PROPER fake-out scare (hands through calendar wall - scaring us in the good old way) +10
- "effects" spelled EFX in opening credits - Totally Radical +20
- Crab Skeleton is an excellent use of Special EFX +20
- carrying on calling the helicopter "the whirly bird" from the original Dawn of the Dead +20
- Dr. Frankenstein delving deep into Zombology and providing the World with some of its first scientific explanation of the New Zombie Threat +500
- Sarah's excellent scientific critique +500
- vivisecting Major Cooper in the name of science +100
or animal testing in the name of anything*********
- the Doc's cool-as-a-cuke Kill with the Drill +20
- spot-on and in-depth portrayal of military corruption +50
- equally good demonstration of the follies of scientific inquiry +50
- i like the music (says i) +50
- i hate the music (says she) -50
- proper dealings with Zombies in situ +50
- cauterize-by-torch +100
+4 4 you if you can spot 4 bats throughout the film
****************
- Mailbox #22 in full gear +22
- #22 x 2 +44
- screams of pain rising in pitch as vocal chords are stretched +50
- Ballerina Zombie Toes (a zombie en pointe board favourite) +50Bub: 1 Captain Rhodes: 0 (Hit %: 60 -- but no headshots) +100
- "Uncertain Future" finale +200
- the Original. +1985
TOTAL
- +3841
- we get along just fine without you, Mena. we'll call you when we get around to Dawn of the American Pie. (and we're still cool, Ving.)
****
Quarantine (2008)
- for shamelessly thieving the original in an effort to appeal to North American Audiences because we are incapable of reading subtitles and also afraid of people speaking anything but the Holy Tongue AND THEN, during the "Locked-In" featurette, having the gall to talk about "setting up the scene" this and "for this shot" that, when you,
John Erick Dowdle,stole the entire thing shot-for-shot from Jaume and Paco. i hope your hell is in that very same apartment building filled with all the IMDBers that voted anything above a 2. -1,000,000
TOTAL
- -1,000,000
- get off of IMDB and go see the Original, and then see the sequel, because the story is cool, subtitles are cool, Spanish is cool, and it's 1,000,000 points better than Quarantine.
so, i hope you have enjoyed this first entry into the zombie points board. check back for future entries and do let us know what you think. keep watching and watching out for zombies , and remember:
if it's dead, shoot the head.
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