Shaun of the Dead (2004)

•  doesn't seem like it's going to be a zombie movie  +100
• CGI soccer ball  -50
• Requiem for a Dream visual referencing  +50
• more likely from  Evil Dead   +50
• "fuck-a-doodle-doo"  +20
• English accents  +50
• Shaun spares some change  +40
• excellent headlines on convenience store newspapers  +100
• everyone's a brain-dead zombie even if they're not really zombies  +200
• a la  Invader Zim  +100
•  excellent exploitation of scare fake-outs  +50
• Pathetic Fallacy after getting dumped  +50
• having to start the Zompocalypse drunk  +25
• "Go live in the shed" foreshadowing  +60
• the whole first half hour is foreshadowing  +30 
• puts popular carbonated beverage back  +500
• general excellent avoidance of Product Placement +500
• but then he takes a Diet popular carbonated beverage anyway! I HATE PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!  -500
• except for you, Wayne's World - we're still cool  +10 
•  clever news cut montage +100
• not an entirely original concept -10
• neither is zombies, but it's okay, i like zombie movies  +20
• throwing rocks at zombies  +10
• see-through abdominal cavity a la Death Becomes Her  +20
• "Fuck the man!"  +100
• The Zed Word  +200
• i appreciate the irony of this Product Placement +10 
• they drive on the other side  +10
• possible first use of cricket bat against zombie (a la casey jones?)  +100
• and field hockey stick +50
• and umbrella! +50
• Captain Wow  +10
• zombie twins  +22
• x2  +44
• too many television station Product Placements!  -500
• Queen  +100
• i love my mum  +100
• "fuck-a-doodle-doo" x2  +40
• fuck the military -500
• Zombies from Hell, Z-Day, Zombaid, the Service Industry  +200
• 28 Days Later Product Placement  +28
• Queen x2 +200

  TOTAL
          +1789

THEREFORE

• this film goes one step past the parody and stands on it's own, more-or-less, as a very decent zombie flickeroonski.  if Romero can back it, i can back it too.  what frustrates me most are the two bygone conclusions that plagues 28 Days Later (and many others) as well: that a) recognizable consumer goods are our survival and b) the military is our salvation.  These conclusions bother me very much.  Functionally, I appreciate a need for funding that will drive a filmmaker into the hands of Product Placement, and The Military is an easy out at the end of a film, but it still provides for two justifications that I will not back: consumerism and military presence.  yes, Products would exist shortly after the Zompocalypse, and yes, the various Militaries would make attempts to exploit the situation, but here a commentary is lacking.  touched upon in 28 Days Later, downright explored in the original DotD, but glossed over for the most part in SotD.  sorry, Shaun, you could have had a higher rating.   

FURTHERMORE 

after the film ended, at about 3 in the AM, my neighbour came home and really shambled up the front stoop, and I didn't really hear the front door open or close.  The "What If?" response followed, so I grabbed my trusty Zombie Stick and stayed still and quiet a few extra minutes before heading off to bed.  This is what I love most about zombie films, their ability to present the entire population of the planet as a threat to itself, which, in the end, it truly is. 

Read more...

[REC]  (2007)

• not "Quarantine"  +1000
• Spanish is ostensibly cooler than English  +100
• but "ostensibly" is a pretty cool word  +5
• "While You're Asleep" is a brilliant title  +100
• impressively long cuts  +50
• excellent lack of soundtrack  +100
• first bite at 14 minutes  +140
• it's a deep bite  +40
• angela wields her "Freedom of the Press" like a roaring chainsaw  +50
• holy shit!  Alex from above!  +40
• likely ode-to-Braindead facial injection  +60
• Angela's contagion-figuring ability  +40
• bite fest through the window!  +50
• holy shit! zombie jennifer!  +40
• holy shit! missing corpses!  +40
• el mazo  +100
• "They were eating her alive, Manu.  What the hell is this?"  +100
• raises that fundamental question, which should you be more afraid of: zombies or your government? +500
•  vital info = fatal wound  +40
• and then there were three  +33
• el mazo!  +200
• this is the movie that started me keeping a zombie stick by the door  +500
• it's metal, and it's heavy  +100
• the terror is palpable  +200
• the attic?  are you serious??  +300
• camera as functional tool for palpably scary attic check  +200
• surprising meld of demonology and zombology  +500

TOTAL:

•         +4628

THEREFORE:

•         deny the "quarantine"s and the "ring"s of the film universe.  deny "the eye", "the orphanage",  deny "body snatchers", "the crazies", "the birds", "day of the dead", "dawn of the dead", "carrie".    deny "breathless" and "vanilla sky" and "holmes" and "charlie and the chocolate factory", "death race", "flubber" and "friday the 13th".  "a nightmare on elm street".   "godzilla".  "night of the living dead 3D".  planet of the apes the postman always rings twice psycho shaft shutter the grudge sweeney todd war of the worlds the wolfman.  deny remakes, Y2K upgrades, and northamericanizations that simplify and anglicize perfectly good movies.  technicolour is amazing. three dimensions is really fantastic.  people who talk like you and look like you and wear your clothes and drive your cars is really super.  but if only you'll sacrifice the effort it takes to read and watch at the same time, there is a real glut of movies out there that are really much better than any ol' remake.

      

Read more...

Braindead (1992) 
(aka Dead Alive)

• stick baseball on the beach  +20
• zingaya!  +10
• another in-depth study of the folly and peril of scientific exploration  +100
• jacky's wacky cinematics  +50
• buck-toothed father  +10
• sumatran stop-motion  +50
• rich and creamy pudding  +100
• decapitation-cam  +60
• rare glimpse into veterinary corruption  +30
• unnecessary nose injection  +20
• unnecessary nose injection x2  +40
• unnecessary nose injection x3  +60
• unnecessary nose injection x4  +80
• divine intervention  +40
• the original Zombie Baby  +100
• baby's first park  +30
• flat rake in a vice  +40
• Super Zombies reminiscent  of Super Shredder in Secret of the Ooze  +100
• ribcage-ectomy, face-ectomy, heart-ectomy  +100
• sentient pile of viscera  +200
• i want a zombie lampshade  +60
• subtle complexities of wide range of gorrific events impeccably thought out (i.e. man through a laundry press)  +500
• superb descent into special FX  +100
• blender finally gets some action  +60
• 5 full passes with the lawn mower  +50
• inexplicable materno-monstrosity  +70
• explicably gigantic nipples  +70
• mother issues finally resolved through rebirth  +200
• romantic resolutions are okay when they're ordained by the cards and you're both covered in the blood of a thousand living dead  +100 

 
                TOTAL

•  +2450

                THEREFORE

• put down your frodo figurines and go find this movie, and then watch Meet the Feebles, and then Bad Taste.  go! right this very moment!!

 

Read more...

i enjoy movies.  more importantly, i enjoy zombie movies and have taken to watch as many as i can find in my spare time.  as such, i have a vast and varied set of opinions and biases on this diverse genre.
tired of the old rating systems (whether percentages, out-of-tens, thumbs, stars, or tomatoes), i began creating an extremely complex system of points and stringently assigning them to the zombie movies my partner and i were watching.  we both made a habit of it, refined our system, and began writing down our reults. so, presented in a public forum for the very first time, i give you the beginnings of our findings, with many more to come.
here is the first of the collection of the zombie points board, in the order in which they appear in my notebook.
and  p.s.  this site may contain spoilers.
  

Dawn of the Dead (2004)
                

• attempted fake-out scare (the legs at the back of the ambulance are still attached..phew!)  -5              
• Slo-Mo sequence  -5
• helicopter at beginning resembles 1978 helicopter -- possible obscure reference  +19.78
• high-calibre rounding-up skillz  +0.22
• Johhny Cash opening sequence  +44
• if US mall security folk have guns because that's really scary (and not much else in the movie is)  +10
• Tom Savini and his Moustache on the news  +5
• because it's the same moustache he wore in the original DotD (and Land of the Dead!)  +5

• more Slo-Mo! -10
• zombies trying too hard to be 28 Days Later zombies (in that running/twitching sort of way)  -28
• Andy on the Rooftop from Afar  +10
• Stealing the "Rooftop from Afar" bit from Tremors  -20
• blatant product placement (starts with B ends in I HATE PRODUCT PLACEMENT)  -1000
• scientist on television NOT wearing eyepatch  -10
• lame re-hash of "When there's no more room in Hell" speech  -50
• use of the word "faggot| (even if by ignoramous)  -500
• not killing guy with hand bite RIGHT AWAY (by now we (and by 'we' i mean people in movies) ought to make responsible and pre-emptive decisions about known zombies in situ)  -20
• pathetic attempt at upping cool points with a cover of a Disturbed song  -40
• Ving Rhames.  +60
• fake-out scare in underground lot (first just a dog, but then the Horde! (and not those lovable Orcish fellows))
• MORE Slo-Mo  -20
• Zombie Baby (surely an ode to Trainspotting)  +500
• Slo-Mo Redemption during the gunfight over half-a-thousand-point Baby  +10
• bizarre "Rockin' Bus Mod!" montage  -50
• awkward romantic mini-game between Ana and Michael (must there always be a romantic side quest?  must Love always try to conquer all?)  -20
• at least Michael dies in the end, alone and lonely and in Love  +10

• that over-played scene in movies after an EXTREMELY  INTENSE! scene that has our heroes waiting patiently in an elevator with "that corny elevator music"  -20
• Heroes kill own player with Chainsaw in the '"Rockin' Bus Mod!"  +100
• "Everybody Dies" finale (admittedly a personal favourite)  +200

                   TOTAL

• - 438

                   THEREFORE

• boycott Remakes and go see the original (we still Love you, Ving). 

**SIDE QUEST**

• to megavideo.com for letting us watch exactly 72 minutes before cutting out and making us wait exactly 52 minutes to watch the remaining 29 minutes  -7200
• to us for finishing it through various nefarious sources (ten thousand thank yous, annenhii)  +10,000

****************


Day of the Dead (1985)

•  PROPER fake-out scare (hands through calendar wall - scaring us in the good old way)  +10
• "effects" spelled EFX in opening credits - Totally Radical  +20
• Crab Skeleton is an excellent use of Special EFX  +20
• carrying on calling the helicopter "the whirly bird" from the original Dawn of the Dead  +20
• Dr. Frankenstein delving deep into Zombology and providing the World with some of its first scientific explanation of the New Zombie Threat  +500
• Sarah's excellent scientific critique  +500
• vivisecting Major Cooper in the name of science  +100
  

**Real World:  -10,000,000  for real-life vivisection 
or animal testing in the name of anything*********

• the Doc's cool-as-a-cuke Kill with the Drill  +20
• spot-on and in-depth portrayal of military corruption  +50
• equally good demonstration of the follies of scientific inquiry  +50
• i like the music (says i)  +50
• i hate the music (says she)  -50
• proper dealings with Zombies in situ  +50
• cauterize-by-torch  +100
  

**MINI GAME**
+4              4 you if you can spot 4 bats throughout the film
****************

•  Mailbox #22 in full gear +22
• #22 x 2  +44
• screams of pain rising in pitch as vocal chords are stretched  +50
• Ballerina Zombie Toes (a zombie en pointe board favourite)  +50Bub: 1    Captain Rhodes: 0  (Hit %: 60  -- but no headshots)  +100
• "Uncertain Future" finale  +200
• the Original.  +1985

                   TOTAL          

• +3841

                   THEREFORE

• we get along just fine without you, Mena. we'll call you when we get around to Dawn of the American Pie. (and we're still cool, Ving.)

****
Quarantine (2008)

• for shamelessly thieving the original in an effort to appeal to North American Audiences because we are incapable of reading subtitles and also afraid of people speaking anything but the Holy Tongue AND THEN, during the "Locked-In" featurette, having the gall to talk about "setting up the scene" this and "for this shot" that, when you,
  
  John Erick Dowdle, 
  stole the entire thing shot-for-shot from Jaume and Paco.  i hope your hell is in that very same apartment building filled with all the IMDBers that voted anything above a 2.    -1,000,000

                   TOTAL          

• -1,000,000

                   THEREFORE

• get off of IMDB and go see the Original, and then see the sequel, because the story is cool, subtitles are cool, Spanish is cool, and it's 1,000,000 points better than Quarantine.

so, i hope you have enjoyed this first entry into the zombie points board.  check back for future entries and do let us know what you think.  keep watching and watching out for zombies , and remember:

if it's dead, shoot the head.
 

Read more...

tonight is the fullest of moons and i intend to fill this crack in the internet with a listing of zombie movies and points that have been assigned to their various features.  more to follow....

Read more...